Yesterday there was a baby dedication at church. At the last baby dedication (a couple of months ago) I had to leave the sanctuary and go sob in the bathroom. It just HURTS to see so many families with babies....when I want one so badly. And most of the families that are having babies dedicated are just that - families. More than one child. I know, I know, we're a family too. But doesn't it seem like a family is much more of a family when there's more than one kid?
Well, at yesterday's dedication, I made it through most of the thing without shedding a tear. But, then one found its way down my cheek. And another. And another. And, before I knew it - I was once again running to the bathroom to sob. I wish they would announce these things the week before so I could avoid them altogether and stop making a scene.
I hate being at this in-between stage. I am not infertile...because I have a child. I have what so many people struggling with infertility would die for. I have a child. I am caught between the world of raising a child and the world of infertility. I struggle with all of the typical child-rearing issues and then I am also dealing with the stresses of not being able to have anymore children.
I wish I could spout off a bunch of "spiritual" things that would make me seem like a much better person. Like, "I trust that all of this is designed to glorify the Lord." Or, "I trust that God knows what He's doing." Or, "His timing is always better than our own." But, I'm not there right now. Oh, I say those things to a lot of people - but I don't think I truly mean them. If I didn't say those things, then I am afraid of appearing to be a "bad Christian." And I logically know that that's not true...that we are supposed to be transparent and honest with those that love us and love the Lord. I guess I'm just not ready to open the flood gate of emotions to people that I don't really know that well.
I feel like we're also in-between two worlds because we're not seeking treatment for our infertility issues right now. We're just doing a whole lot of nothing...waiting for nature (haha) to take its course. So, I don't really feel like I fit in with the people who are going through IUIs, IVFs, injections and hormones galore. But, I don't fit in with the people who can get pregnant at the drop of a hat. I am stuck in the middle.
Sorry to be such a "Debbie Downer." I just need somewhere to get this out.
2 comments:
Oh Steph, I'm so sorry. I've been thinking of you and hoping for another baby for you, Lonnie and Jack. If anyone 'deserves' another baby (you know what I mean) - it's you!
This is so hard for anyone who hasn't been there to understand. You are not a "bad Christian" or a bad mother, you are a HUMAN BEING with a hole in her heart desiring something - a sibling for Jack, another child for your family - that seems like it will never come. Don't beat yourself up over these feelings, they are real, and they hurt more than any cut from a knife. I am praying and hoping that when the moment is right you will be the one having a baby dedicated too at church!
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