Thursday, January 15, 2009

Negativity

A warning - this post is one huge vent. I am sick and tired of winter and I need somewhere to get it out. You all get to be the recipients of this lovely outburst.

It is ridiculously cold outside. So cold, that they've cancelled school. Jack also has next Monday off, so we get a 5-day weekend. Which you would normally think is a nice thing. But, when you have a kid that thrives on routine/schedule and absolutely loves school...it's not a good thing. I am really not looking forward to having him in the house for that long. He keeps asking to go outside. And I keep having to say "no, it's too cold out." I am tired of saying that he can't go outside because it's too cold! And this morning I had to tell him that he couldn't go to school because it's too cold. I keep saying, "when it gets warmer." In like, 3 months! I am tired of watching the same shows on TV. I am tired of going to McDonald's because it's the only indoor playplace in our city. I am tired of listening to Jack whine about not being able to play outside. It is so cold that the heater is constantly running. Our heating bill was already "up there" last month...I am dreading to see what it is this month. The heater has a hard time heating up the house because it is SO cold out.

I don't know why we're here. We keep waiting for this "reason" of why we're supposed to be here - but this big "reason" hasn't shown up yet. What if we're waiting for nothing? What if the "reason" has already happened? What if it was that Jack was diagnosed with autism and got started with school? What if it was to meet certain people...and we've already met them? What if our big lesson has already taken place and we're just waiting for something bigger that's not really going to happen? When is it time to move on?

And, on the topic of moving...we know that chances are VERY slim that we would be able to sell our house. Even more slim that we would be able to break even on the price. Our city isn't really somewhere that people want to move to. The big companies here are laying off people and cutting back production. Things are going downhill. So even if we decided that we were going to move, it would be near impossible to get out of our house. We are STUCK here. Who knows when the real estate market will turn around. I don't think I can handle years and years of this. Seriously. I am sick of it. I hate it.

I heard this song by Third Day on the radio the other day, and it couldn't more accurately describe how I'm feeling. I am crying out to God to show me (us) what to do.




My life,

Has led me down the road that's so uncertain

And now I am left alone and I am broken,

Trying to find my way,

Trying to find the faith that's gone

This time,

I know that you are holding all the answers

I'm tired of losing hope and taking chances,

On roads that never seem,

To be the ones that bring me home



Give me a revelation,

Show me what to do

Cause I've been trying to find my way,

I haven't got a clue

Tell me should I stay here,

Or do I need to move

Give me a revelation

I've got nothing without You

I've got nothing without You



My life,

Has led me down this path that's ever winding

Through every twist and turn I'm always finding,

That I am lost again (I am lost again)

Tell me when this road will ever end



Give me a revelation,

Show me what to do

Cause I've been trying to find my way,

I haven't got a clue

Tell me should I stay here,

Or do I need to move

Give me a revelation

I've got nothing without You

I've got nothing without...



I don't know where I can turn

Tell me when will I learn

Won't You show me where I need to go

Oh oh

Let me follow Your lead,

I know that it's the only way that I can get back home



Give me a revelation,

Show me what to do

Cause I've been trying to find my way,

I haven't got a clue

Tell me should I stay here,

Or do I need to move

Give me a revelation

I've got nothing without You

I've got nothing without You



Oh, give me a revelation...

I've got nothing without You

I've got nothing without You


3 comments:

The Youth Pastor's Fam said...

hey steph- so sorry about the stuff you are going through. i HATE the feeling of stuckness and have definitely had it a few times (the first few years in oly was one of them =)....will be praying that God gives you peace in this place He has you. Learn what you can!! And then maybe He will get you the heck out of there =)! Another thought would be to maybe do something where you can serve with Jack or alone- something that would keep you busy and give you a chance to love on someone who needs it. You might already be doing this, not sure, but it really helps and might take some creativity to think of an idea that would work with your schedule/heart. I love you and love being able to keep abreast of your life. You are one awesome woman so keep on keeping on!

Danyelle said...

Steph, to everything there is a season. You are in a very challenging season right now. I too encourage you to find a way to serve. Even if it something as simple as a card ministry to encourage others. You are a remarkable woman with a gift for caring about others. Hang in there! The Lord is preparing you for something mighty. Love & Hugs.

Givinya De Elba said...

Oh Steph I am so sorry! I know you've not been certain about your move, and if the weather is miserable and makes the winter months awful, I can totally understand! Hang in there and keep us posted on how you're going.