Saturday, March 19, 2011


I am being forced to be still. To sit in a chair and be still. My sick son is sleeping on the couch next to me, and I am afraid to move. If I move, I might wake him up. And that would be one of the worst things that could happen right now. Jack has had the flu (like, honest-to-goodness influenza) for two days and he hasn't slept much. Up at 2:30 am yesterday and up at 3:30 am today. And by some weird stay-awake-strength, he managed to not take a nap at all yesterday. Maybe that will be a skill that will come in handy through his college years.

Apparently, being still does not come easy for me. I keep thinking of all of the things I should be doing. Vacuuming, baking banana bread, disinfecting my entire house, starting on the mountain of laundry in my room...I could go on. I sit. Being still.

There is so much I want to write about. Autism. School. Behavior. More autism. But, as I am sitting here, being still, there is something inside of me that is refusing to be still. Literally. There is a baby inside of me that will not be still. She is pushing and kicking and punching and I am watching my belly jump with her movements.

It is so bizarre to me. Why did God choose to bless us with another baby? Why did He wait until now? I am SO thankful for this pregnancy and am amazed at what a miracle it is. But at the same time, we had finally come to a place where we were starting to accept the fact that we would only have one child. We started talking about what our life would look like with only one. We came to appreciate the fact that we wouldn't have to "start over" with a newborn. We started talking about plans for the future with an only child. There were times when I felt an actual peace about the whole thing. The desire to have a baby would slowly diminish - a day here, a day there. Especially given the fact that God gave us an exceptionally needy child (sorry, there's no other way to put it) in the first place. Life with Jack is challenging and now I find myself imagining those challenging days PLUS a newborn. I imagine Jack having a meltdown and a baby screaming in the background. I think of how exhausted I am at the end of a tough day and how it takes everything in me just to peel myself off the couch to go to bed. How in the world am I going to take care of a baby? I don't doubt that I have the skills to do it...but I wonder if I'll be able to do it and stay sane. If I'll be able to effectively parent a special needs child and a baby.

And that's where I am. On one hand, feeling SO very excited and blessed and thankful to have this miracle in our lives. On the other hand, feeling very nervous, scared, and uncertain about what is going to happen in 3 short months.

1 comment:

Meredith said...

I understand your uncertainties and worries. You will do wonderfully, and though you'll be tired, the days will move into weeks and months and though it may not be easier as time goes on, it will be possible. Most days I wonder how I make it through with my rambunctious boys, and when I come to the end of the day, I realize I did it because I didn't have any other choice - and because of God's grace. :) I'll pray for you.