I cannot tell a lie

I haven't been posting much because I am finding it hard to be all "sunshine-y" right now. Jack's behavior has gotten worse recently and we're really struggling with how to handle it. I've always told myself that "things will get better" and have the mindset that he'll just grow out of most of this...but lately I've had the realization that things might not get better. Things might stay the same. Things might get worse. Jack will get bigger and stronger and smarter.

His listening skills have gone way down. He doesn't listen to most of the things we tell him or ask him to do. He yells and screams A LOT. He throws many tantrums throughout the day. A lot of what we say doesn't "register" with him and we get a lot of blank stares. Parts of his communication have improved, but other parts seem to be regressing. It doesn't seem to matter how we talk to him or how we discipline him - things just keep getting worse. It doesn't matter whether we talk calmly to him or if we yell at him - he reacts the same way. It doesn't matter whether we put him in time-out, try to re-direct him or ignore it - he reacts the same way. He yells and screams. And then he screams and yells some more. We spend quality time with him. We play with him. We read to him. We have a pretty well-structured day. We give him plenty of warnings as to what activities come next. We give him reasons. We love on him. We keep his routine consistent. We talk to him all of the time. And it seems that none of that makes a difference. His behavior (even if it is completely unintentional on his part) is like a slap in the face to us. We TRY. I wish there was an easy solution to this.

What makes this even more difficult is that no one else sees this. No one else sees the way Jack acts at home. He acts fine at school. His teacher has mentioned that she can tell he's "holding it together" at school...just because he's at school. He's absolutely adorable when we're in public and he smiles and says "hi" to all of the people. He's a ham at the doctor's office. Everyone just thinks he is the cutest kid ever. But once he's told something that he doesn't like or doesn't get his way or gets upset over something (that is invisible to us), he turns into a different child. And, let's be honest, you can't let a preschooler have their way all of the time. We still need to be parents.

Autism sucks. There's just no other way to put it. We have so much to learn and so much to figure out. We feel lost. We are tired of being yelled and screamed at. We are tired of repeating the same instructions hundreds of times. We are tired of not sleeping well. We are tired of the tantrums. Lonnie and I are just so, so tired.

The thing I haven't really talked about yet

At Jack's 3 year well-child checkup, we filled out a questionnaire for the pediatrician, just answering questions about tasks that Jack could accomplish, his language/comprehension skills, and his overall development. As it turns out, he was pretty behind on almost all of the areas that were measured (4 out of 5). So, we were referred to ECSE (Early Childhood Special Education) which is through our local school district. Jack went through several evaluations, all done at our home, and they compiled all of this information into a report. He went through speech, psychological, autism and occupational therapy evaluation. After they were done with this process, we were informed that Jack meets the criteria for a diagnosis of Autism. Specifically, high-functioning autism, or Asperger's.

We experienced so many emotions when we received his diagnosis. We felt relief, because we knew that we weren't crazy and that other people noticed that there was something "off" about Jack too. We felt anger, because who were these people that barely knew our son to come in and tell us that there was something wrong with him? We were sad, because our only son was not "normal." We were guilty, because there's a part of you that wonders if you were the cause of these problems.

Jack's main symptoms include problems with language comprehension, echolalia (repeating what he hears us say, whether it's immediate or delayed), sensory issues, problems focusing, being very schedule-oriented, not being interested in other children, and having a hard time with transitions or new things.

All of this to say...Jack started preschool this week! He is going to the ECSE preschool, 4 days a week in the morning. He started on Tuesday. Today was his first day taking the bus. So far, it seems like he's really enjoying it. He really likes his teacher and she is an awesome lady. Today he actually named some of the kids in his class for me! There are 8 kids in his class (including him) and 4 adults...so he really gets a lot of quality attention. He meets one-on-one with a speech therapist and also gets some time with an occupational therapist.

When we dropped him off yesterday, he waved "bye" to us as he walked into the classroom and had a big smile on his face! When we put him on the bus this morning, he was so excited to ride the bus, but once he realized that we weren't going with him, he got a very concerned look on his face and didn't smile as they were driving away....but he did great and made it home safe and sound!

Here are some pictures of my BIG boy and his first couple days of school!!!

Standing at the front doors of the school.

Oh my gosh, he's gotten so big. When did this happen?

Putting his backpack in his cubby with his teacher.

Talking to the bus driver as his friends were getting off the bus.

Waving bye!

All buckled in! First time on the bus, today.

In Limbo

Yesterday there was a baby dedication at church. At the last baby dedication (a couple of months ago) I had to leave the sanctuary and go sob in the bathroom. It just HURTS to see so many families with babies....when I want one so badly. And most of the families that are having babies dedicated are just that - families. More than one child. I know, I know, we're a family too. But doesn't it seem like a family is much more of a family when there's more than one kid?

Well, at yesterday's dedication, I made it through most of the thing without shedding a tear. But, then one found its way down my cheek. And another. And another. And, before I knew it - I was once again running to the bathroom to sob. I wish they would announce these things the week before so I could avoid them altogether and stop making a scene.

I hate being at this in-between stage. I am not infertile...because I have a child. I have what so many people struggling with infertility would die for. I have a child. I am caught between the world of raising a child and the world of infertility. I struggle with all of the typical child-rearing issues and then I am also dealing with the stresses of not being able to have anymore children.

I wish I could spout off a bunch of "spiritual" things that would make me seem like a much better person. Like, "I trust that all of this is designed to glorify the Lord." Or, "I trust that God knows what He's doing." Or, "His timing is always better than our own." But, I'm not there right now. Oh, I say those things to a lot of people - but I don't think I truly mean them. If I didn't say those things, then I am afraid of appearing to be a "bad Christian." And I logically know that that's not true...that we are supposed to be transparent and honest with those that love us and love the Lord. I guess I'm just not ready to open the flood gate of emotions to people that I don't really know that well.

I feel like we're also in-between two worlds because we're not seeking treatment for our infertility issues right now. We're just doing a whole lot of nothing...waiting for nature (haha) to take its course. So, I don't really feel like I fit in with the people who are going through IUIs, IVFs, injections and hormones galore. But, I don't fit in with the people who can get pregnant at the drop of a hat. I am stuck in the middle.

Sorry to be such a "Debbie Downer." I just need somewhere to get this out.

When is Jack going to be a big brother???

We get this question sometimes. And, I'm sure that as Jack gets older we'll be getting it more often. This could be a fairly simple question to answer for most people. For us, it's not so simple. We want Jack to be a big brother. It's something we pray for all of the time. But, we are not able to "make" Jack a big brother right now. We are struggling with secondary infertility - something that affects over 3 million Americans.*

Secondary infertility is defined as the inability to become pregnant, or carry a pregnancy to term, following the birth of one or more biological children.* We conceived Jack through the assistance of fertility drugs after a year of "trying." We were very fortunate to get pregnant with Jack. I (Stephanie) have a fairly common medical condition that prevents me from ovulating and getting pregnant. Without fertility drugs or procedures, our chances of conceiving naturally are very, very slim.

We recently decided to once again pursue treatment for infertility. Unfortunately, the fertility drugs did not do what they were supposed to do during the time that we used them. We prayed about what to do. Continue treatments or put them on hold? We both felt that it was the "right" decision to stop treatments. I say "right" decision, because it's a decision that will never feel right...it's one of the hardest decisions we've had to make. There are several reasons for that decision...one is financial. Although you hate to put a price on having a baby, our current financial situation just doesn't allow us to pursue more extensive treatments. We want to be wise with our finances (after years of being not-so-wise) and feel that it is important to be able to afford treatments. Especially now that we have Jack depending on us - we need to be financially secure for him as well. Another reason for stopping treatment is the emotional toll that it has taken on us, both individually and as a couple. You can't imagine the emotional rollercoaster that infertility puts you on until you've been there yourself. It's one disappointment after another. We've gone through so many ups and downs, and we're back where we started.

We want Jack to be a big brother. I want him to have a playmate, to have someone to share secrets with and someone to get in trouble with. I want him to be able to give his sibling that "look" and they'll know what the other is thinking without saying anything. I want him to be able to roll his eyes to his sibling about something I've said or done. I want him to know the love of a brother or sister. I want him to grow up knowing that there's someone else in this world who went through the same exact things growing up and understands him a little better because of that. I want him to have someone to stay up late with. Someone to sleep under the Christmas tree with. Someone to share a room with.

Since we've come to the decision of not pursuing infertility treatments, watching Jack grow up has become more bitter than sweet. Where I was once excited about his milestones, I find that I am more sad about them. I don't want to take him out of his crib. I don't want to throw the pacifiers away. I don't want him to stop mispronouncing words. I don't want him to go to school so soon. Coming to terms with the fact that he might be my only baby is difficult. I took for granted the thought that we would have multiple children.

In the meantime, we pray. We pray about where God is leading us next and for strength through the journey. Right now, I am grieving the death of a dream. While it may come true someday, and we don't know what God has in store for us down the road, we are sad for what we've lost for the time being. Our reality is much different than our dreams. But, God's plans are bigger than our own.

"'For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the LORD.
'As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.'" Isaiah 55:8-9

"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'" Jeremiah 29:11

*Taken from http://www.resolve.org/.

Please take time to visit the RESOLVE website and read these articles:

Secondary Infertility

Infertility Etiquette